svaenohr: (Default)
Having a spirit that can make the body feel different when it shifts its aetheric shape can mean feeling like I "have" fangs, a long tongue, and claws one minute, and then the next minute shift to a robot form and seem to have no mouth at all.

It can mean feeling very mechanical and cut off from the organic world one minute, and riding a raindrop down to earth the next.

It can mean riding the bus and feeling completely ordinarily human one minute, then the next minute your spirit feels like it's floating - disembodied - on the opposite end of the bus, while still seeing things from the body's perspective.

It can mean feeling like I am a tree one minute, and the next minute I am human again.

It can mean being drained by being around other people usually, but occasionally spontaneously shifting to being a psychic vampire and drawing energy from other people.

And other times it means having some random phantom limb - wing, tail, an extra arm - feeling suddenly as real as the ones I was born with, and at other times looking in astonishment at one of my arms, wondering for a split second what it is before I remember.

And for me, sometimes it means feeling comfortable in my assigned gender. Other times I feel "female" is the appropriate response. Other times I feel I have no gender, or am bi-gendered. And still other times I feel like a gender that has no human label. Or a version of male or female that does not fit any standard human label, for instance... I read recently of an insect species where the female is the one with the penis and injects the ova into the male with it. So sometimes my gender could be described as "male that could get pregnant," "female who could impregnate," or something even stranger.

Sometimes I cannot put words to my feelings, because the feelings are so far removed from human norms that there are no words (AFAIK) for those feelings.

And every so often, I undergo such a radical shift of spirit that my personality undergoes a dramatic change. I may crave raw meat or become disgusted by meat entirely; I may go from being disgusted by sex to being ravenously horny. Or I may go from hissing in agony at sunlight, to running around soaking it up like I'm solar powered. There are times I want to curl up like a dog or cat on my bed, and become frustrated that my body doesn't bend that way. And other times I wish I could skitter up the wall and spin a silk nest in the corner.
Many times, these shifts are random. Other times, I do them deliberately. I sometimes use my shifting in my magick.

I have had moments of feeling tiny and cut off from everything. I have had moments where I felt like I was literally of one spirit with all living beings on earth, my soul expanding too large for my mind to easily fathom. I can cast my spirit "into" another person, and see things from their position, feel their feelings intimately. But there are many people I would not want to try that with, because their energy feels to me like steel wool strapped to a belt sander being run against my skin.

These feelings may be strange, but they are as real to me as anything that is merely in the mind and spirit can be.
svaenohr: (red eye still)
Lately, I have been shapeshifting into an interesting new form that has wickedly sharp teeth, freaky eyes, and an impossible grin. By "impossible grin," I mean that it keeps going up the cheek, through the temple, and all the way around the head. It can even split the head completely, a little like that one monster on Nightmare Before Christmas, the top of its head attached on the inside. But impossible unless it kept its brain somewhere else, or had a smaller brain.

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svaenohr

July 2017

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