svaenohr: (Default)
Warnings: Body invasion, body horror, horror, sex with a monster.

“Skin Deep”
by = Pyrayton Svaenohr

Author's note: I began this story intending it to be much shorter, to end after the reveal, but I, er... got carried away. I hope you enjoy.

*

She was beautiful. Her skin was silky smooth, her hair a shiny and perfect black, in flowing locks. Her dazzling hazel eyes pierced your soul, and her lips were pouty without overdoing it. Having gotten to know her online before knowing what she looked like, I was glad; for truly, her beauty would have rendered me mute. It rendered me mute now, but since we'd agreed to meet here, she laughed - a sound like tinkling wind chimes - and spoke to me, shaking me out of my muteness.

On our third date, she was distracted all night, and seemed worried. "What's wrong?" I asked her.

She bit her lip, looking around. "I can't say. You won't understand."

"I'm very open minded," I told her. "Not a lot can shock me."

She nodded. "Yes, I know, from the months we've been IM'ing. But still I worry this is too much."

"Try me."

"I'm scared."

"Yes, but if it's important, I'll find out eventually. Better to get it over with now, and know for sure, than worry for however long."

She laughed again. "True. Okay, here goes: I'm not human."

"Yes, you told me you're Otherkin. So am I."

"No, it's not that. I'm really not human. I know it sounds crazy, but I can prove it. I'm just worried you'll panic if I show you."

I was intrigued now. I had looked into her eyes, and she was telling the truth. "Maybe if you gave me some idea what to expect, that would help."

"Well, to be honest... it's not a simple thing. You see, I'm a monster, and I hunt humans. I was hunting you when we first met online, and I would have suggested we meet sooner than we are now, if you hadn't mentioned being Otherkin, and explained it. Hearing that, I began to have hope that I didn't have to be alone. I decided to spare you, no matter how this turns out. But I worry, of course. I fear rejection. I've never had a lover before. My kind... we are hermaphrodites, and we fertilize our own eggs."

Rest is under the cut )
svaenohr: (Default)
"Prison of Flesh and of Bone"
By = Pyrayton Svaenohr


Ever since my day of birth,
I have tried to flee this earth,
For never has it been my home,
My body a prison of flesh and of bone.

Explain myself? Where to begin?
Never comfortable in my own skin!
Twitching, itching, whether dirty or clean,
It makes me want to fucking scream!
I go for months feeling relatively well,
Then suddenly I feel like Hell,
Like wearing a necklace for months with no ire,
When suddenly it burns like fire,
And though the thing has slack in spades,
It feels like a wire of blades,
Cutting off my air til I cut it away,
With little relief, I still feel the same way!

Can't even eat what I want anymore,
Or sleep for long without feeling sore;
When I'm clothed I want to run around nude,
But I can't, for you humans consider that rude.

I've no desire to end my life,
No matter how it fills me with strife,
But this body is like a tangle of thorns,
And it drives me mad being monoform!

I envy the bird that flies from the trees,
Free upon the invisible breeze;
I even envy the air, free of repression,
This damnable body filling me with aggression!

I want to run like the cheetah or flee like the hare,
Without having to fight to get enough air.
I want to float like a raincloud in the sky so free,
Or stand tall and proud in the earth as a tree.

I want to climb a tree as a cat or a bear,
Or be the sunlight in the ocean's glare!
Or be a panda eating bamboo,
I want to be whatever I set my mind to!

But instead I'm stuck here in this sack of meat,
My ribs are prison bars that trap my heartbeat.
This monoform meat puppet drives me insane,
I feel nothing for it but contempt and disdain!

Let me out! I am trapped! Let my hardship abate!
What did I do to deserve this cruel fate?
I just want to escape - like a trapped cyclone -
This bottle, this prison of flesh and of bone.

Woge

May. 25th, 2014 02:18 am
svaenohr: (Default)
I would like to personally thank Joss Whedon for bringing Grimm into the world, as Woge feels exactly right to describe the way I feel sometimes, like whenever I yawn. But also when I am especially annoyed, angry, or upset at something, I feel just like a Wesen going through the kind of Woge only a Grimm or other Wesen could see.
svaenohr: (Default)
Having a spirit that can make the body feel different when it shifts its aetheric shape can mean feeling like I "have" fangs, a long tongue, and claws one minute, and then the next minute shift to a robot form and seem to have no mouth at all.

It can mean feeling very mechanical and cut off from the organic world one minute, and riding a raindrop down to earth the next.

It can mean riding the bus and feeling completely ordinarily human one minute, then the next minute your spirit feels like it's floating - disembodied - on the opposite end of the bus, while still seeing things from the body's perspective.

It can mean feeling like I am a tree one minute, and the next minute I am human again.

It can mean being drained by being around other people usually, but occasionally spontaneously shifting to being a psychic vampire and drawing energy from other people.

And other times it means having some random phantom limb - wing, tail, an extra arm - feeling suddenly as real as the ones I was born with, and at other times looking in astonishment at one of my arms, wondering for a split second what it is before I remember.

And for me, sometimes it means feeling comfortable in my assigned gender. Other times I feel "female" is the appropriate response. Other times I feel I have no gender, or am bi-gendered. And still other times I feel like a gender that has no human label. Or a version of male or female that does not fit any standard human label, for instance... I read recently of an insect species where the female is the one with the penis and injects the ova into the male with it. So sometimes my gender could be described as "male that could get pregnant," "female who could impregnate," or something even stranger.

Sometimes I cannot put words to my feelings, because the feelings are so far removed from human norms that there are no words (AFAIK) for those feelings.

And every so often, I undergo such a radical shift of spirit that my personality undergoes a dramatic change. I may crave raw meat or become disgusted by meat entirely; I may go from being disgusted by sex to being ravenously horny. Or I may go from hissing in agony at sunlight, to running around soaking it up like I'm solar powered. There are times I want to curl up like a dog or cat on my bed, and become frustrated that my body doesn't bend that way. And other times I wish I could skitter up the wall and spin a silk nest in the corner.
Many times, these shifts are random. Other times, I do them deliberately. I sometimes use my shifting in my magick.

I have had moments of feeling tiny and cut off from everything. I have had moments where I felt like I was literally of one spirit with all living beings on earth, my soul expanding too large for my mind to easily fathom. I can cast my spirit "into" another person, and see things from their position, feel their feelings intimately. But there are many people I would not want to try that with, because their energy feels to me like steel wool strapped to a belt sander being run against my skin.

These feelings may be strange, but they are as real to me as anything that is merely in the mind and spirit can be.
svaenohr: (Default)
Discussion sexuality with a follower on Tumblr, and I thought this comment of mine bore repeating here:

I am something of a mind-only shapeshifter, my inner sense of myself keeps shifting, and thus my desires change based on those shifts. So sometimes I want to be the mate of a Wraith Queen, other times I want to BE a Wraith Queen; other times I feel like a machine intelligence and regard human sexuality with the same fascination a scientist has for an interesting specimen. And other times I feel like a dragon and find dragons sexy. And a million other things besides.

To which I will also add:

And so anyone who cared enough to read these personal posts of mine would doubtless be confused without that tidbit of knowledge, for sometimes I feel beyond flesh completely and wish to escape my body, and other times I feel VERY much like an earth-bound being. Sometimes I feel like a predator, other times I feel like I wish I had no need to eat anything at all. Sometimes I feel like the biological lifeform I am, and other times I feel like a machine intelligence and regard all these biological functions with disgust and disdain. All of these feelings are valid and do not make me any less genuine.
svaenohr: (Default)
Animal-like noises can be extremely expressive. Sounds I like to use:

* Growls
* Hisses
* a kind of trilling noise
* purrs
* huffing air out of my nose quickly
* a few other sounds hard to describe

ARGH!

Mar. 16th, 2014 12:48 am
svaenohr: (Feral by Fayanora)
I JUST WANT TO BURST OUT OF THIS MEAT SACK AND SPREAD OUT ACROSS THE DIMENSIONS! I WANT TO SUCK THE SOULS OUT OF LIVING ANIMALS LIKE OYSTERS FROM THEIR SHELLS AND FEEL THEM DIGESTING IN MY INCORPOREAL BELLY! I HATE BEING MADE OF FLESH!!! I FEEL IMPRISONED IN THIS CAGE OF MEAT AND BONE AND BLOOD!

Imagine if one of you four-dimensional creatures were imprisoned in a 2-dimensional universe! That's what I feel like right now.

I can imagine it now, breaking out and piercing the night with an inhuman screech of joy that hurts the brains of mortals to hear!

CRAMPED

Mar. 16th, 2014 12:42 am
svaenohr: (Default)
Do you ever just feel cramped and weighted down in your own body, like you're really this massive, multi-dimensional creature that could float on the air if only you could get free, but you're crammed into this tiny little meat-shell and all you want to do is rip out of the top of your own fleshy head from within and unfold yourself like a full-sized origami elephant kept in a 5 foot by five foot by five foot cube all these years? That eating human food is like being fed thin gruel every day, and once you'd escaped your prison you could go out and devour the life-force and souls of animals you come across, which would be like feasting on roast suckling pig after that life of thin gruel? Or is that just me?
svaenohr: (Default)
People who are afraid of monsters confuse and amuse me. Monsters have always comforted me. The scarier-looking they were, the nastier they were, the more I loved them, and still do. I have a shape-shifting monster as my guardian spirit. I wanted to be a monster growing up so I could chew off the heads of anyone who dared bully me, or rip their abdomen open and laugh as they scream with their guts in their hands. Monsters speak to my soul, resonate in my heart.

Most think monsters are ugly. I find them beautiful. The bigger, the scarier, the creepier, the nastier they are, the more beautiful they are. You say "hideous" and "deformed," I say "darkly beautiful," and "gorgeously asymmetrical." You say "pulsating, oozing pustules," I say "slick, throbbing nodules." You say "necrotizing venomous bite," I say "COOL!" You fear a Wraith queen, I want to be a Wraith and be her mate.
Monsters: I am obsessed.
svaenohr: (Default)
You know how demons in Supernatural are really black (or red, in some cases) smoke, sinuously slithering into someone’s body to control them? I often feel like that myself, like I should be able to drift out of my body and fly through the air and then find a host and, in the words of Abaddon, “blow smoke up your ass.”

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