svaenohr: (Sesshoumaru Transforms by Fayanora)
I identify as agender, for many reasons, but in my head and also when I speak aloud, I generally default to a low, deep register that sounds stereotypically masculine, and has a somewhat masculine energy to it. But not always; the register can and often does shift around at random through the day.

However, the other day I started playing around with my atman's* form, shifting the register around on purpose. I had a lot of fun with a feminine register, especially doing things in my feminine form that I normally do in my more masculine form, like lifting heavy objects and making bestial sounds. I have discovered that I am actually slightly stronger, in terms of physical strength, in my feminine form than in my masculine form, which surprised me.

Why is this surprising to me? Background: I am one member of a Multiple collective with 8 other people, and 7 of those are either female or feminine non-binaries. The eighth person is a masculine non-binary (who uses he/him/his pronouns). He and I have always been physically stronger than the others. There was a theory for a long time that this enhanced strength was due to our masculine leanings. (Not our theory; theirs.) Well I seem to have disproven that theory, since my feminine form is stronger than my masculine form.

Something else I found interesting is how much of my accent carries over to my feminine form. Obviously you have never heard my accent when I speak - both internally and aloud - and I have a hard time explaining it. If I had a working microphone, I could record the accent for you. But I can say that my accent sounds vaguely Slavic, almost Russian. I do not know what accent it is supposed to be. There are certain pronunciation patterns that are reasonably consistent when I speak, which I have been unable to pin down to any accent I can identify. For instance, "but" I pronounce "boat." "Certain" sounds like "sare-ten" (rhymes with "hare ten"). "Not" is said like "note" unless I am concentrating on slimming the accent. "Head" I say as "hayed," "in" is said "een," "also" is said "ohl-so," and "register" is said "ray-jay-stir."

So take the sentence "I identify as agender, for many reasons, but in my head and also when I speak aloud, I generally default to a low, deep register that sounds stereotypically masculine, and has a somewhat masculine energy to it," and write it out in my accent:

"I identeefy aaz a-jendare, for many ree-zones, boat een my hayed aand ohlso wayn I speak a-loud, I genoralee defoalt to a low, deep ray-jay-stair thaat sounds stair-ee-oh-teep-eek-lee mosque-oo-lin, aand haaz a soam-watt mosque-oo-lin ain-er-ʒee to eet."
(Places where the "a" is seperated from the rest, like in "a-jendare," is the A saying its name. And the "oo" in "mosque-oo-lin" rhymes with "you," "true," and "do." The ʒ character sounds like the S in "pleasure," "leisure," and "treasure.")

It is not always quite that thick, (I do not always pronounce "it" like "eet," for instance) but it is always close.

But yes, despite a higher, more feminine register, my accent in feminine form is basically the same as in my masculine form.

* = Atman is Hindi for "soul," but I use it to refer to my concept of my body, my mental/spiritual form.
svaenohr: (Default)
Hmmm... odd. I just noticed that I have been using contractions today. I rarely use contractions. It is not an affectation, it is just how I am. The others use them. Myself, however... for some reason I just generally do not. I find it interesting that I somehow used them several times earlier today, in things I have written. Yet now that I have noticed this, it has ceased. Peculiar. Perhaps it was bleed-through from one of the others?
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People who are afraid of monsters confuse and amuse me. Monsters have always comforted me. The scarier-looking they were, the nastier they were, the more I loved them, and still do. I have a shape-shifting monster as my guardian spirit. I wanted to be a monster growing up so I could chew off the heads of anyone who dared bully me, or rip their abdomen open and laugh as they scream with their guts in their hands. Monsters speak to my soul, resonate in my heart.

Most think monsters are ugly. I find them beautiful. The bigger, the scarier, the creepier, the nastier they are, the more beautiful they are. You say "hideous" and "deformed," I say "darkly beautiful," and "gorgeously asymmetrical." You say "pulsating, oozing pustules," I say "slick, throbbing nodules." You say "necrotizing venomous bite," I say "COOL!" You fear a Wraith queen, I want to be a Wraith and be her mate.
Monsters: I am obsessed.
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It is getting warmer. And sunnier. Ugh. Spring is coming. Blech! I hate spring and summer. Especially summer. The evil yellow daystar hurts me, and the heat makes me feel like I'm being cooked. I prefer a dark, moist, cool environment. I LOVE Portland's winters for that reason.

Hell, there are times when the grey winter sunlight of Portland is too bright for my eyes. I'm the only person I know who wears sunglasses in winter, here.

I am not looking forward to summer at all. During the day in summer, I either have to go away to somewhere with air conditioning, or lay around the house all day naked in front of the fan, taking a shower every hour just to get the cooling sensation of the evaporating water.

Though this summer may be slightly better. I intend to take cold-water baths this summer, sitting in the water as long as I can. Also, I have a friend's house I can visit, come to think of it. (Lilla's.)

About the only good thing about the summer is that I get even more nocturnal than usual, since the much cooler nights are great for going out on walks. I come alive at night in spring and summer even more than usual.
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I am a creature of the darkness, the coolness, the quiet, and the moistness. I can live without the moistness. I can tolerate bright light, as long as I have my sunglasses and maybe a hat on. But I have very low tolerance for heat and noise. The heat makes me irritable in the extreme. It was 99 F earlier, with no breeze, and even in the shade I was so damned uncomfortable that when the driver of the bus I was supposed to get told me he wasn't in service, I almost grabbed ahold of the bus and shouted, "YOU'RE LETTING ME ON NOW!" But I refrained. I growled, though. It was 10 minutes for the next one, and I was ready to rip someone's throat out by the time it finally came.

If I'd known it was going to be that damned hot out, I would have stayed in the darkness and coolness of my apartment. I may not have air conditioning, but I keep my apartment so dark during the day that the living room is a full 20 degrees cooler, I think, than the outside.

As for noise... noise can give me powerful headaches. It can exhaust me. Especially psychic noise. Human beings are toxic to me, some more than others. I can take that toxicity in small doses and be fine, but in large doses they tend to leave me in a mess. Yet I find I have a higher tolerance for people who are pagan, left-hand path, pagan-friendly, or LHP-friendly. They put out less toxic psychic noise, for some reason.
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I have joined Tumblr, and Twitter, and set up Tumblr to crosspost to Twitter. Set up LiveJournal to aggregate the Twitter feed. So my Livejournal will have a lot more content, now.

My Tumblr is
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The other day, I was thinking that I wish I could be a Vrayshra for real. But then I thought about it some more, and realized that I'd have to also wish for a tame phoenix to go with that wish. Why? Because Vrayshra do not just eat meat. Like the Wraith of Stargate Atlantis, we eat the life-force of our prey. We do not eat sentients, though, as it is dishonorable and unethical. But I got to thinking about it... being a Vrayshra on Earth would be difficult, without a tame phoenix to feed from.1 You see, that life force powers our magic, and we use our magic to hunt and shapeshift. The amount of life-force we can get out of a prey is relative to the prey species' lifespan would be without us eating it. In other words, the longer lived the species, the more we get out of it. So... if we were to be a real, biological Vrayshra on Earth without a phoenix to feed from, it would be hard. We'd feed on the seagulls, pigeons, and rodents at first, but all of those are rather short-lived, so it would hardly be worth the effort. We could feed off the English Ivy that plagues the area, but again, it might not be worth the effort; or barely so. We have too much respect for redwoods and sequoias to go off in search of those for food, and that food wouldn't last terribly long either. Same goes for galapagos tortoises.

So, basically, we would be forced to feed off of humans, which - as stated - is dishonorable and unethical. We might try to mitigate the dishonor a bit by feeding off of dangerous individuals and unsavory political or entertainment people like Glenn Beck, but, well... not only is the amount of life force we can get out of a prey dependant on its potential lifespan, it's also affected by how much of its life has already passed, meaning children and infants would be much better meals than adult humans. Since that would be an abhorrent dishonor, we wouldn't want to do that. Hence the need for a phoenix: we could feed off a phoenix as much as we wanted to without hurting it.

1 = Phoenixes have infinite lifespan, so they have infinite life-force. A Vrayshra could feed off a phoenix several times a day for thousands (nay, millions or billion) of years without hurting it. (That is, if Vrayshra lived that long.)
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I will not tell a falsehood: Borg green is my favorite color.

There is no end to the awesomeness of that color, especially in capable hands.


svaenohr: (Default)

July 2017

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