svaenohr: (Default)
Warnings: Body invasion, body horror, horror, sex with a monster.

“Skin Deep”
by = Pyrayton Svaenohr

Author's note: I began this story intending it to be much shorter, to end after the reveal, but I, er... got carried away. I hope you enjoy.

*

She was beautiful. Her skin was silky smooth, her hair a shiny and perfect black, in flowing locks. Her dazzling hazel eyes pierced your soul, and her lips were pouty without overdoing it. Having gotten to know her online before knowing what she looked like, I was glad; for truly, her beauty would have rendered me mute. It rendered me mute now, but since we'd agreed to meet here, she laughed - a sound like tinkling wind chimes - and spoke to me, shaking me out of my muteness.

On our third date, she was distracted all night, and seemed worried. "What's wrong?" I asked her.

She bit her lip, looking around. "I can't say. You won't understand."

"I'm very open minded," I told her. "Not a lot can shock me."

She nodded. "Yes, I know, from the months we've been IM'ing. But still I worry this is too much."

"Try me."

"I'm scared."

"Yes, but if it's important, I'll find out eventually. Better to get it over with now, and know for sure, than worry for however long."

She laughed again. "True. Okay, here goes: I'm not human."

"Yes, you told me you're Otherkin. So am I."

"No, it's not that. I'm really not human. I know it sounds crazy, but I can prove it. I'm just worried you'll panic if I show you."

I was intrigued now. I had looked into her eyes, and she was telling the truth. "Maybe if you gave me some idea what to expect, that would help."

"Well, to be honest... it's not a simple thing. You see, I'm a monster, and I hunt humans. I was hunting you when we first met online, and I would have suggested we meet sooner than we are now, if you hadn't mentioned being Otherkin, and explained it. Hearing that, I began to have hope that I didn't have to be alone. I decided to spare you, no matter how this turns out. But I worry, of course. I fear rejection. I've never had a lover before. My kind... we are hermaphrodites, and we fertilize our own eggs."

Rest is under the cut )
svaenohr: (Sesshoumaru Transforms by Fayanora)
I identify as agender, for many reasons, but in my head and also when I speak aloud, I generally default to a low, deep register that sounds stereotypically masculine, and has a somewhat masculine energy to it. But not always; the register can and often does shift around at random through the day.

However, the other day I started playing around with my atman's* form, shifting the register around on purpose. I had a lot of fun with a feminine register, especially doing things in my feminine form that I normally do in my more masculine form, like lifting heavy objects and making bestial sounds. I have discovered that I am actually slightly stronger, in terms of physical strength, in my feminine form than in my masculine form, which surprised me.

Why is this surprising to me? Background: I am one member of a Multiple collective with 8 other people, and 7 of those are either female or feminine non-binaries. The eighth person is a masculine non-binary (who uses he/him/his pronouns). He and I have always been physically stronger than the others. There was a theory for a long time that this enhanced strength was due to our masculine leanings. (Not our theory; theirs.) Well I seem to have disproven that theory, since my feminine form is stronger than my masculine form.

Something else I found interesting is how much of my accent carries over to my feminine form. Obviously you have never heard my accent when I speak - both internally and aloud - and I have a hard time explaining it. If I had a working microphone, I could record the accent for you. But I can say that my accent sounds vaguely Slavic, almost Russian. I do not know what accent it is supposed to be. There are certain pronunciation patterns that are reasonably consistent when I speak, which I have been unable to pin down to any accent I can identify. For instance, "but" I pronounce "boat." "Certain" sounds like "sare-ten" (rhymes with "hare ten"). "Not" is said like "note" unless I am concentrating on slimming the accent. "Head" I say as "hayed," "in" is said "een," "also" is said "ohl-so," and "register" is said "ray-jay-stir."

So take the sentence "I identify as agender, for many reasons, but in my head and also when I speak aloud, I generally default to a low, deep register that sounds stereotypically masculine, and has a somewhat masculine energy to it," and write it out in my accent:

"I identeefy aaz a-jendare, for many ree-zones, boat een my hayed aand ohlso wayn I speak a-loud, I genoralee defoalt to a low, deep ray-jay-stair thaat sounds stair-ee-oh-teep-eek-lee mosque-oo-lin, aand haaz a soam-watt mosque-oo-lin ain-er-ʒee to eet."
(Places where the "a" is seperated from the rest, like in "a-jendare," is the A saying its name. And the "oo" in "mosque-oo-lin" rhymes with "you," "true," and "do." The ʒ character sounds like the S in "pleasure," "leisure," and "treasure.")

It is not always quite that thick, (I do not always pronounce "it" like "eet," for instance) but it is always close.

But yes, despite a higher, more feminine register, my accent in feminine form is basically the same as in my masculine form.

* = Atman is Hindi for "soul," but I use it to refer to my concept of my body, my mental/spiritual form.
svaenohr: (Default)
I shall never understand being prejudiced against someone for the physical appearance of their meatsuit, for the coloration and shape of the meat their spirit controls. What does it matter if their meat suit is brown and yours is peach? What does it matter if their meat suit has narrower eyes than yours? How does it impact your life if their hair is coarser than yours? We are all made of meat, we are all going to die some day, and all that will remain of us will be skeletons, decaying meat, and the memories of us in the heads of those who still live. And if that is all we leave behind, would you rather be remembered as a kind, compassionate soul who was nice to people of all meatsuit varieties, or would you rather be remembered as an insufferable racist fuckbrain that pissed people off?

And for those of us who are not full KKK bigoted, but still have some small racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, etc tendencies that have infected our brains like the memetic viruses they are, would you rather take the small amount of effort to attempt to purge those viruses from your mind in order to be remembered more fondly by more people, or would you rather take personal offense at every attempt to point out your memetic ailment and thus make yourself look like an insufferable fuckbrain?

Or does it not matter to you? Perhaps to you, any remembrance past death is fine by you, even if you are immortalized in people's minds as a horrible person? I can see the appeal... people do talk about Hitler and Stalin more than they talk of MLK. But think on this: the more people are horrible, the less impressive it gets, until everyone is horrible and you no longer stand out in the crowd, and you are forgotten.

But if you do care to be remembered positively, maybe you have a better shot at immortality. People tend to remember those who left a positive impression on the world more, and they remember more names of such people. Even if everyone in the world becomes good, the names of the good, of people who helped make the world better, will still be remembered. Utopia can come, and people will still talk of the pioneers of peace. But if everyone turns out horrible some day, who will remember the pioneers of hatred? Those names will get lost in the morass.

If your fire burns only so long, why not use it to warm the cold and cook for the hungry, rather than for burning down buildings and setting people on fire?

Wow

Nov. 19th, 2014 05:19 pm
svaenohr: (Default)
Saw this image on Tumblr, it inspired me to write a story:



The universe was in danger, in danger of being eaten by a powerful evil force. So all the galaxies in the universe condensed themselves down into a human form by folding space. The human universe sat, cold and lonely on a rogue planet for centuries, waiting for the danger to pass. Then one day, Xe knew Xe was safe. In one glorious burst of light, followed by a continuous and less intense light, the galaxies poured out of their human shell and back into spacetime. But their human form was still alive, and still lonely. So the galaxies reached down from the heavens and touched xir head. From the place they touched sprang forth life onto the planet, which was now orbiting a sun. And before long, there were other humans on the planet, and the vessel of the universe was no longer lonely. Xe died decades later, xer children and grandchildren watching over xer. And so the human vessel of the universe died happy, returning to the universe from whence xe came.

[Original post]
svaenohr: (Default)
“Electric Meat”
By = Pyrayton Svaenohr

"I am flesh, and flesh is weak.
I am just electric meat.
And in my brain a quantum song
drags my twitching meat along."

"I am a spirit here for sightseeing,
Literally a human, being.
Deathless energy bound to this earth,
Death not an end, just a rebirth."

Emergent property or soul divine?
Which truth today do I make mine?
Did spirit and matter one day enmesh?
Or is the mind created by flesh?

Is there a difference? Maybe both!
Maybe souls are seeds of growth?
God/dess eggs in meat and bone,
And death is Zir* children coming home?

Either way, the flesh is weak.
Would that I weren't made of meat.
We are too fragile, too close to dying,
We can end ourselves just barely trying.

I want a body that will never know death!
A body that grows stronger with every breath!
“What doesn't kill you makes you stronger” is such a myth,
But what if weren't? I want that, forthwith!

Or if not that, then pull back the veil,
For tis the unknown at which we quail.
Give us the certainty, one way or another:
Total end, or return to The Mother?

I don't understand why we don't understand
How and why we're born to this land!
Why must we have fear, the ground to beat?
Are we spirits in bodies, or just electric meat?

**END**

* = Zir, a genderless pronoun, is pronounced "zeer."

The Horde

Nov. 13th, 2014 07:58 am
svaenohr: (Default)
I had a dream the other night, an old familiar topic.

First I will have to tell you about the previous dreams. They were about this life form that was like a cross between the various monstrous creatures in Resident Evil, and the creature in The Thing. They spread across the world like a plague, eating anything that moved and was alive, especially humans.

They were shape-shifters, too, and over the course of the initial dreams several years ago, they went from mindless hordes of hungry monsters to being extremely clever, so clever they could pretend to be humans and were so good at it, they could fool a person's own mother. I think in one dream the humans even tried the infamous blood test from The Thing and from Star Trek: Deep Space 9, but these creatures, which I shall call The Horde, were able to pass the blood test. They were also all psychically linked in a great hive mind.

And there was no escaping them. They took over the ecosystem, even replacing the plants. (What they ate after all the original life forms died out, I have no idea; probably each other.) The dreams were usually some variation on "these are the last humans on the planet, and they are being hunted as The Horde gets cleverer and cleverer. And since The Horde is everywhere, there are very few places to hide; and even those aren't safe anymore."

These dreams would have been horror, nightmares even, to most people. To me, they were merely entertaining. It was fun watching the humans run from The Horde, and get eaten gruesomely. It was amusing, the fear of the last humans as they died one by one. Ah yes, and there was the one dream when one human and his most trusted friend found the last safe place on Earth and locked themselves in, nobody could get in or out. Once it was certain that nothing could get in or out, his trusted friend grinned an unnaturally toothy smile at him, revealing herself to be one of The Horde, just before attacking. I believe that one woke me up laughing.

Anyway, there wasn't anything special about this latest dream, except that it reminded me of the others, which I had long since forgotten about. Another standard Horde dream. The only thing special about it was that all Horde specimens in this dream were taking the form of velociraptors for some reason. Otherwise, it was a pretty standard Horde dream, though not as complex or as interesting as previous Horde dreams.

Oh, I also just remembered, the complexity of the stories in the Horde dreams were superb, as I recall. Would have made blockbuster horror films, for sure, each one of them. Like, I think there was one early on in the series where the Horde turned out to be something being kept in a lab, except that instead of having been made by humans, there had been a secret government experiment to send a manned mission into Hell. One small specimen of the Horde was brought back. It escaped into the rest of the compound and proceeded to wreck havoc and mayhem, multiplying at an alarming rate and almost taking over the base. Only difference was, these specimens did not shape-shift.

In the end, the humans managed to find something to fight it, fire I think. Though there was only a handful of humans left out of a previous compliment of a few hundred people, they managed to sterilize the base...

...except that they didn't. They only thought they did. In classic cinematic form, there was a trusty canine companion throughout the dream, who managed to survive. After the quarantine was lifted, the doggy was put into the back yard, and when the human wasn't looking, it escaped. The last thing I saw before waking up was the dog looking back and grinning like an evil maniac, a spark of malign intelligence and a telltale red glow in its eyes.
svaenohr: (Default)
Inspired by American Horror Story: Freak Show, and by a post made about how "monster" used to mean a freak of nature.

"Freak of Nurture"
By = Pyrayton Svaenohr


A second head, third arm, third leg,
Or conjoined twin that has died:
Physical deformity is seen as disgusting,
But pales to what is inside.

Being dwarf in stature, I am not sure
Can compare to being small of mind.
And often those with perfect eyes
Are the ones most truly blind.

A second face may seem out of place
And a gruesome physical woe,
But worse is the face some hide inside,
Their true personas, you'd fear to know.

Cleft of palate is on the ballot
As being in need of correction,
But racism, sexism, and homophobia
Would get my vote in that election.

Outward deformities pale to enormities,
And often hide a gentle soul;
But physical beauty is no guarantee,
And could hide a heart made of coal.

Natural freaks elicit gasps and shrieks,
They're the ones that steal the show.
But the real monsters grow in the soul,
So how are we to know?
svaenohr: (mononoke)
"I Envy The Stone"
By = Pyrayton Svaenohr

I envy the stone.
It is matter, and thus energy, and thus alive,
Yet it does not think.
It does not feel.
Or if it does, it thinks simple thoughts,
The thoughts and feelings of a stone.
Thoughts simpler than words, or images,
Thoughts simpler than any feeling we can imagine.

So often, when imagining a consciousness unfathomable by us,
We look to the gods, the goddesses.
We look up.
How often do we look down?
What does an ant think? What does it feel?
What does an aphid believe to be real?
What does a stone think and feel?
Is there an answer we can know,
Is there an answer there for me?
Or is it like trying to imagine a color we can't see?

We think we are so smart, we humans,
With our philosophies and buildings,
Our religions and our tools,
Yet we cannot fathom the thoughts of a stone.
So we call it 'inanimate' to cover our inadequacy.

And life as a human is so fraught with stress,
So fraught with pain,
Forever crowded and forever alone,
That I don't want to live in this mess,
Or be in this brain,
I just want to trade places with a stone.
svaenohr: (Default)
"The Fire is Ashes"
By = Pyrayton Svaenohr

Devour my flesh.
Do not hesitate,
Do not worry.
I will not be harmed,
For I was electrons pulling meat strings,
But the puppet master has left;
Only meat remains,
So devour it.
Devour me.

Devour my flesh, so I may live in you,
So I may feel the air through you,
So I may drink water through you.
Devour my flesh, so I may fuck through you,
And suck through you,
Live and breathe and love through you,
Even though the fire is ashes,
And the ashes are grown cold.

Please, devour my flesh,
For I have no wish to return to the soil yet.
Immortality through cannibalism:
It is pale compared to living,
But what can be done?

Cook my meat, and eat it,
So I may briefly feel warmth again.
So I may briefly feel alive again.
My meat in your belly,
It becomes one with your meat.
My atoms in your muscles,
Your heart, your brain.
Living again.

I have no wish to be eaten by any being lesser than you.
The conqueror worm is noble,
But though it is alive,
It doesn't really live.
You do.

Please grant me this last request, then,
And devour me after I die.
svaenohr: (Default)
"Prison of Flesh and of Bone"
By = Pyrayton Svaenohr


Ever since my day of birth,
I have tried to flee this earth,
For never has it been my home,
My body a prison of flesh and of bone.

Explain myself? Where to begin?
Never comfortable in my own skin!
Twitching, itching, whether dirty or clean,
It makes me want to fucking scream!
I go for months feeling relatively well,
Then suddenly I feel like Hell,
Like wearing a necklace for months with no ire,
When suddenly it burns like fire,
And though the thing has slack in spades,
It feels like a wire of blades,
Cutting off my air til I cut it away,
With little relief, I still feel the same way!

Can't even eat what I want anymore,
Or sleep for long without feeling sore;
When I'm clothed I want to run around nude,
But I can't, for you humans consider that rude.

I've no desire to end my life,
No matter how it fills me with strife,
But this body is like a tangle of thorns,
And it drives me mad being monoform!

I envy the bird that flies from the trees,
Free upon the invisible breeze;
I even envy the air, free of repression,
This damnable body filling me with aggression!

I want to run like the cheetah or flee like the hare,
Without having to fight to get enough air.
I want to float like a raincloud in the sky so free,
Or stand tall and proud in the earth as a tree.

I want to climb a tree as a cat or a bear,
Or be the sunlight in the ocean's glare!
Or be a panda eating bamboo,
I want to be whatever I set my mind to!

But instead I'm stuck here in this sack of meat,
My ribs are prison bars that trap my heartbeat.
This monoform meat puppet drives me insane,
I feel nothing for it but contempt and disdain!

Let me out! I am trapped! Let my hardship abate!
What did I do to deserve this cruel fate?
I just want to escape - like a trapped cyclone -
This bottle, this prison of flesh and of bone.
svaenohr: (Default)
I had an intention in mind when I started this poem. It went in a direction I had not planned. Here is that attempt:

Trigger warnings: parasites, body invasion, loss of will )

Woge

May. 25th, 2014 02:18 am
svaenohr: (Default)
I would like to personally thank Joss Whedon for bringing Grimm into the world, as Woge feels exactly right to describe the way I feel sometimes, like whenever I yawn. But also when I am especially annoyed, angry, or upset at something, I feel just like a Wesen going through the kind of Woge only a Grimm or other Wesen could see.
svaenohr: (Default)
Having a spirit that can make the body feel different when it shifts its aetheric shape can mean feeling like I "have" fangs, a long tongue, and claws one minute, and then the next minute shift to a robot form and seem to have no mouth at all.

It can mean feeling very mechanical and cut off from the organic world one minute, and riding a raindrop down to earth the next.

It can mean riding the bus and feeling completely ordinarily human one minute, then the next minute your spirit feels like it's floating - disembodied - on the opposite end of the bus, while still seeing things from the body's perspective.

It can mean feeling like I am a tree one minute, and the next minute I am human again.

It can mean being drained by being around other people usually, but occasionally spontaneously shifting to being a psychic vampire and drawing energy from other people.

And other times it means having some random phantom limb - wing, tail, an extra arm - feeling suddenly as real as the ones I was born with, and at other times looking in astonishment at one of my arms, wondering for a split second what it is before I remember.

And for me, sometimes it means feeling comfortable in my assigned gender. Other times I feel "female" is the appropriate response. Other times I feel I have no gender, or am bi-gendered. And still other times I feel like a gender that has no human label. Or a version of male or female that does not fit any standard human label, for instance... I read recently of an insect species where the female is the one with the penis and injects the ova into the male with it. So sometimes my gender could be described as "male that could get pregnant," "female who could impregnate," or something even stranger.

Sometimes I cannot put words to my feelings, because the feelings are so far removed from human norms that there are no words (AFAIK) for those feelings.

And every so often, I undergo such a radical shift of spirit that my personality undergoes a dramatic change. I may crave raw meat or become disgusted by meat entirely; I may go from being disgusted by sex to being ravenously horny. Or I may go from hissing in agony at sunlight, to running around soaking it up like I'm solar powered. There are times I want to curl up like a dog or cat on my bed, and become frustrated that my body doesn't bend that way. And other times I wish I could skitter up the wall and spin a silk nest in the corner.
Many times, these shifts are random. Other times, I do them deliberately. I sometimes use my shifting in my magick.

I have had moments of feeling tiny and cut off from everything. I have had moments where I felt like I was literally of one spirit with all living beings on earth, my soul expanding too large for my mind to easily fathom. I can cast my spirit "into" another person, and see things from their position, feel their feelings intimately. But there are many people I would not want to try that with, because their energy feels to me like steel wool strapped to a belt sander being run against my skin.

These feelings may be strange, but they are as real to me as anything that is merely in the mind and spirit can be.
svaenohr: (Default)
I find myself perplexed by the slang term “throwing shade.” What are you saying, that the person in question is a tenebris magus? That they have the magick power to command darkness, slinging it around like Peruvian instant darkness powder, or like the darkness was somehow alive? Because I have to say, I wish I could do that.
svaenohr: (Default)
Discussion sexuality with a follower on Tumblr, and I thought this comment of mine bore repeating here:

I am something of a mind-only shapeshifter, my inner sense of myself keeps shifting, and thus my desires change based on those shifts. So sometimes I want to be the mate of a Wraith Queen, other times I want to BE a Wraith Queen; other times I feel like a machine intelligence and regard human sexuality with the same fascination a scientist has for an interesting specimen. And other times I feel like a dragon and find dragons sexy. And a million other things besides.

To which I will also add:

And so anyone who cared enough to read these personal posts of mine would doubtless be confused without that tidbit of knowledge, for sometimes I feel beyond flesh completely and wish to escape my body, and other times I feel VERY much like an earth-bound being. Sometimes I feel like a predator, other times I feel like I wish I had no need to eat anything at all. Sometimes I feel like the biological lifeform I am, and other times I feel like a machine intelligence and regard all these biological functions with disgust and disdain. All of these feelings are valid and do not make me any less genuine.
svaenohr: (Default)
Animal-like noises can be extremely expressive. Sounds I like to use:

* Growls
* Hisses
* a kind of trilling noise
* purrs
* huffing air out of my nose quickly
* a few other sounds hard to describe

ARGH!

Mar. 16th, 2014 12:48 am
svaenohr: (Feral by Fayanora)
I JUST WANT TO BURST OUT OF THIS MEAT SACK AND SPREAD OUT ACROSS THE DIMENSIONS! I WANT TO SUCK THE SOULS OUT OF LIVING ANIMALS LIKE OYSTERS FROM THEIR SHELLS AND FEEL THEM DIGESTING IN MY INCORPOREAL BELLY! I HATE BEING MADE OF FLESH!!! I FEEL IMPRISONED IN THIS CAGE OF MEAT AND BONE AND BLOOD!

Imagine if one of you four-dimensional creatures were imprisoned in a 2-dimensional universe! That's what I feel like right now.

I can imagine it now, breaking out and piercing the night with an inhuman screech of joy that hurts the brains of mortals to hear!

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